Loving Those Who've Hurt You

  

He that says he is in the light, and hates his brother, is in darkness even until now. He that loves his brother stays in the light, and there is none occasion of stumbling in him.  But he that hates his brother is in darkness, and walks in darkness, and knows not where he goes, because that darkness has blinded his eyes.  1 John 2:9-11

Last year, I attended a political event, and while there saw someone I hadn't seen in many years. The Lord had been working in a powerful way in my heart that year, and I knew I ought to go say 'Hi'. But to my shame, I didn't. This person was a brother in Christ--someone who had hurt me and my family repeatedly but unknowingly through their own foolishness and dysfunctional situation. It had become an 'infamous moment' in our family history--that month when we opened our home to strangers.

This morning, as I was reading these verses, that scenario immediately popped in my head. I was convicted.  In my own mind, there was no one that I was aware of whom I 'hated'.  I certainly didn't think I 'hated' them, I just didn't particularly 'like' them. I certainly didn't want to have fellowship with them.

To be honest, I was deceiving myself, but it took looking in the mirror of God's word, to be reminded of my lack of love and my disobedience to the Lord's command.

'Not hating a brother' is not going far enough. Jesus' command was that we actively 'love' our brothers. In fact I've discovered that the easiest way to get over bad feelings for someone is to start blessing them as Jesus commanded us to do to our enemies.--to pray for them and do them good.

Everyone has someone they're tempted to hate--someone who has hurt them--maybe repeatedly. If we don't have Christ's love empowering us and we've never accepted the love of Christ, then there is no way we could ever forgive them.

Jesus commands are, to be quite honest, impossible for non-Christians to fulfill. They are also impossible for we Christians to fulfill apart from His grace.

Read More...

Only God Can Make Things Grow--Even Us!

 Photo by my son, Christian Rodgers

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  1 John 1:9

What an incredible promise this is! I am filled with awe and wonder at having experienced this promise to the full this last couple of years.

As you know, I've been doing a ton of gardening this year and am learning the hard way that however much I work to fertilize, water, prune, compost, hoe, or plant, I cannot make plants grow. I can't make the sunshine and I can't force plants to grow. It's all up to the Lord!

Admittedly, if I don't do all those things, those plants will not survive. God has given us gardeners a lot to do! And if we are lazy or slack, all the sunshine in the world and rain will not produce much.  

Last year's garden did produce some, but it was a weedy mess and never lived up to it's full potential. The Lord did HIS part, but I was careless in doing mine.

This year, I've been much more diligent and consistent and am running two gardens! But the one that is in a shady place and getting too much rain, is simply stunted. My garden at home is in a sunny place and getting the same care and the plants are growing and thriving!

I planted the seed in your hearts, and Apollos watered it, 

but it was God who made it grow. 1 Corinthians 3:6

Confession

Confession according to my verse for the day--is our part--planting, watering, fertilizing and staying in the sunshine (the light). If you don't do it, you will not prosper. That's a fact! Like most people, I understood and embraced the injunction here to confess my sins. In fact I've been confessing them daily now for two years! There is nothing more freeing than to 'agree' with my heavenly Father that I have indeed sinned when my conscience or the Word pricks my heart.

It's the most freeing and comforting thing in the world to see, and acknowledge the error of my ways!What we don't know about our sinful nature will indeed hurt us and everyone around us. That's a critical reason for coming to the Lord every day. We need to look into the mirror of God's word and see what is out of order.

Our responsibility is to acknowledge and agree with the Lord that what we are convicted of we are indeed guilty of. That's what the Greek word confess actually means--to agree with another.

homologeó: to speak the same, to agree

If we confess our sins - If, from a deep sense of our guilt, impurity, and helplessness, we humble ourselves before God, acknowledging our iniquity, his holiness, and our own utter helplessness, and implore mercy for his sake who has died for us; he is faithful, because to such he has promised mercy, Psalm 32:5; Proverbs 28:13; and just, for Christ has died for us, and thus made an atonement to the Divine justice; so that God can now be just, and yet the justifier of him who believeth in Jesus. 

And to cleanse us from all unrighteousness - Not only to forgive the sin, but to purify the heart. ~ Adam Clarke

Forgiveness based on God's character and Christ's Sacrifice

God promises to forgive us when we confess and acknowledge that sin. It says He is both faithful and just to do so! Faithful meaning that he will never change his mind and Just in that Jesus died for our sins therefore it is only just to remit our sins based on the Lord's sacrifice on our behalf.

Cleansing from ALL Unrighteousness

This is the part that caught my attention though.  

We sometimes take too much on ourselves and start to think that we are also responsible for the growth. If we can't make plants grow--how can we make ourselves grow? We can't. 

We can do everything to make spiritual growth possible, but then we must wait patiently for God to give the increase.

How many of us confess our sins and accept the gracious gift of forgiveness that the Lord promises--yet struggle with the inherent sin patterns that Paul says so weigh us down?

Read the rest on At Home With God.

The Hidden Value of a Stay-at-Home Wife or Mother

Hey Comin' Home friends! 

 I know it's been a long time.. a very long time lol. But this post I wrote for my devotional blog, At Home with God, seemed so appropriate for Comin' Home, that I thought I'd share it, in case it would encourage some of you. :) I'm in the middle of wedding prepartions for my daughter, so I really can't write in both places, but thought this might be helpful.

Blessings, Donna  

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 The share of the man who stayed with the supplies is to be the same as that of him who went down to the battle. All will share alike." 1 Samuel 30:22-24

I never expected to find myself shaken about my belief in the value of my role as a stay at home wife.

 Being a stay at home mom makes sense to most people. You might not choose to take that route, but if you do, most people agree that it's a valuable role.  Who could question the validity of caring for your children?

But mine are grown now....

At the moment, I have a husband, and three adult children living at home. They are all out of high school. Two of the kids here at home have started careers which are flourishing. One is in college, doing well, and pursuing a degree as well as managing a college club and working a part time job.

Conversations around the dinner table often reflect the work news of the day.

How I rejoice! It truly makes my heart sing to hear the news that each of our kids is doing well or making progress in their jobs. I don't care what the job is--that they are making progress and feeling good about their efforts is huge to me. :)

But of course, I have nothing to add to that kind of conversation. I don't have a 'career'... at least not a paying one. lol

Laundry, dishes, yard work, bill-paying, car repairs, tax keeping, grocery shopping, letter-writing, and sending gifts and cards, just doesn't normally add up to 'career' in the eyes of most people.

Being a very ordinary human person however, I have the same need for 'validation', wife and mom that I am, that everyone else does.  

The mommy part has changed a lot.  Hungry grown kids show up regularly... they whisk off to their jobs.. and whisk back in at some point later in the day.

Occasionally, they don't even show up at all lol.

I have more than once posted, "Has anyone seen my son?" on Facebook hoping that one of my youngest's friends will get the word out that his cell phone is out of power and I wonder.. should I worry or not?  He's the baby at 19 so we aren't quite out of the mommy-son stage yet.   I figure if the police call then I have grounds for worry--otherwise I assume they just forgot to call. lol

So, I'm facing the reality that soon there won't be any 'kids'. Can I justify staying home when they are gone? This was the question looming on the back burner of my mind today.

I once had grand dreams... I went to college for Accounting--but never finished school, was certain I'd be a published poet, musician, or at least a secretary. Eventually, I did some measure of all of those things. For about five years, I climbed the secretary ladder.

Then I married, had children, started homeschooling... and the great race of mommy-hood began.. plus teaching.  I didn't do all that to near the standard that I had hoped to.



27 years are gone now and of course, as I listen to the excited chatter of our children's dreams, and watch them and my husband climb the corporate ladder, and read friends's posts about their careers, I feel very happy for them but just a tad bit like an odd fish in today's corporate pool.

In a world where your whole life's worth can easily be summed up in terms of a job title and a hourly or yearly amount of money, it could be very easy to see little if any value in a woman choosing to stay at home and manage it for the sake of others.

At one time, that wasn't the case. Many women did exactly that. Most people didn't question the value of a having one adult choose to maintain a comforting and supportive place to come home to at night for the sake of the wage earner (i.e. hubby).

So, perhaps you can't relate to my dilemma, but for those of you who are newly married and don't have children yet, or for young mothers who are struggling with your value in a world that values people mostly based off of their education or salary, I hope this  devotional will help.

The fact is that my real identity is in Christ. Frankly, everyone's is.

 What if you had to work a blue collar job all your life? Basically I do.   My job is 75% physical labor. What if you lost your job? What if you were sick most of your life?  What if you were handicapped and couldn't 'contribute'?

Does our value and identity really reside in job titles and salaries or even talents? No of course not.  

Ultimately our value comes from the fact that the Lord loves us.. and He put us here to bring Him glory.. not ourselves.   I am so grateful that I don't have to have anyone else's approval or appreciation to recognize that I mean a whole lot to my Heavenly father and to the Lord (not to mention my husband and family).

We are  here on the Lord's business. If that means being married, having children, or working, then so be it. I will remain in whatever calling I have been called to. No need to change now.

For me, that calling is, at least for now,  a stay at home wife.  Might I ever 'work'? Maybe. :) Maybe not.

Everyone should remain after God calls him in the station or condition of life in which the summons found him.

Were you a slave when you were called? Do not let that trouble you. But if you are able to gain your freedom, avail yourself of the opportunity. 1 Corinthians 7:20-21

The Lord knows best and my husband or I might decide for me to do that. The implication here is that remaining in your calling is not some 'legal requirement' but that we ought not to be so quick to jump into something else, just because we are a Christian.

 In other words, what job you have is not the most important thing... Where you can best serve Christ is the key.

I volunteer  in my spare time, as I have for many years in some form or other, and what a blessing that is to others as well. If we all work, who will do those things that no one can afford to pay someone to do?

But the Lord knew I was feeling a little unsure of my earthly calling.. of being a stay at home wife. How gracious He was to give me the assurance that even in the world's eyes, my job in a 'support' role was immensely valuable.. salary or not.

In a world of stress, and busy schedules... what a privilege it is to have someone willing to 'stay home with the baggage'.  There have actually been studies done on the value of having someone who can flex constantly and relieve the pressure. I am that someone.. and proud to be. :)

Need the mail picked up, a spare car, someone to run down to pay a bill, pick up a spare part or a package or a prescription, take a meal to a sick friend, lend a listening ear? Everyone in my family seems to need that. One of the most difficult things for those who work outside the home, is not having that 'someone' who can do all of those things.

My dear Hubby has the most difficult sort of job I can imagine. He's only home one hour per day. I can't even fathom the constant stress that means. Some guys have it worse. So do some women.

Can you even imagine what that means for a man though? He can't fix our cars or arrange for them to get fixed. He can't deal with bills or manage our property (seven acres worth)  or home repairs, unless he uses his entire weekend to do that.  That would amount to zero rest or down time.

So I do all of that and delight in it. I even have figured out how to maintain our computers, set them up, install the OS, and do all sort of other computer related tasks.

I also support my adult kids by providing a clean, orderly, pretty home and most of the times food--food is important.  Most evenings, I've cooked something they can come home and graze off of.

Our meals are very weird now...I never know who is going to be home when. But I cook stuff assuming that someone.. perhaps with friends in tow.. will want to eat it. lol

Until this morning, I had never really thought seriously about the value of a 'support' role of SAHW, but it is hugely important. I needed to have peace about that.

One of my favorite books, Home Comforts, talks about the incredible need our society has.. for a home.. not just a house in its introduction.  Clean food, clothes, and life happening in that home... someone to come home to who cares.  That's my job.

 I do get paid of course.. in seeing the success of my children in their careers, in their desire to 'have coffee' with me in the morning, and especially in seeing that quiet smile of relief when Hubby comes home and we have that one priceless hour of 'home time'. This youtube video a young friend sent me, made me cry. It was what kind of brought to the forefront this nagging doubt I had not even recognized till today.

Today, I will be encouraged, by the Lord's gracious thoughtfulness in sending David's 'ordinance' my way.. that those who stay with the baggage, are just as valuable as those that bring home the 'booty'. lol We may not be worth much in today's cultural estimation, but in God's eyes, our role is just as valuable. If you struggle with this.. your value.. or you're just plain exhausted and feel you can't live up to some indefinable standard.. this book might encourage you. One Way Love: Inexhaustable Love for an Exhausted World

  Ultimately, our value is not in our role at the moment, (man or woman)--it's in Christ's death and resurrection and our pursuit of Him. Jesus can and will use us wherever we happen to be in life if we'll let Him.

Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Yet not one of them is forgotten before God.7"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows. Luke 12:7,8

Dear Lord,  Whatever our earthly calling, whatever our roles, whatever our income or lack thereof...thank you that we are precious in your eyes. You didn't have to comfort me or assure me of that, yet you took the trouble this morning to do exactly that. Thank you!

For my friends who might be reading, regardless of their earthly situation, poor or rich, employed or not, cook, baker, candle-stick maker, we are all disciples of Christ and children of a King!

Our jobs and salaries can change in a moment, yet we are still valuable in your eyes. Help us, like Paul, to be content whatever our situation.

Thank you that you never leave us nor forsake us and that you look on our hearts not our outward situation or appearance.

May we do our best in your strength to honor you.. whether slave or 'free' as Paul once reminded new Christians in Acts.  

Our life is hidden in you and no one truly knows our personal worth or value but you. Thank you for caring for us. Help us to trust you and obey you in whatever calling we may be.

In Your precious name I pray, Amen Donna ~ At Home with God

Jesus is Knocking...Can You Spend A Little Time with Him?

 

I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My beloved is knocking:“Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. Songs 5:2

Today, I had coffee and prayer time on the back deck and had a great time with the Lord. The breezes, the green, the pines and towering oaks made Song of Solomon come alive this morning. :)

Sometimes, though our heart belongs to Jesus, we ‘sleep’.. assuming all is well. Our hearing gets dull.. our minds distracted..and we aren’t paying attention.  In this chapter the Lord shows us that he is knocking, that he delights in our praise and fellowship, and is just waiting for us to open the door.

I am praying that you and I will not be like the Shunnamite woman who makes excuses, " my hair is damp, my feet will get dirty, I don’t want to have to get dressed again.. when the Lord knocks.  "

So much joy, peace, compassion, acceptance.. all waiting at the door if only we will say Yes.  So much trouble (the watchman beat her while she is hunting for her beloved—the one she spurned) could be avoided.

So much joy is waiting on the other side of that knock.

Praying we will seek the Lord daily.. not just read.. not just obey.. but really worship and adore the Lord and respond to the Holy Spirit who wants our attention and our praise..the perfume of our lips.

Yes we are 'black' in our flesh and sinful nature..but in Christ’s robes of righteousness, in our born again state, we are pure and beautiful in His eyes. So we can have fellowship with Him and it will meet the deepest needs of our souls and transform us.. and grow lilies to share with others.

Just so in love with this book! I’’m reading it out loud to Him today on the deck under the trees and in the midst of the sweetest breezes ever. What a wonderful first day back home. :) 

Love,

Donna 

Ps. I broke both feet and had to move back to the country house for the next couple of months.. without Tim sadly. But knowing the Lord is in control.  This is an excerpt from my devotional blog, At Home With God.

Little Miracles Mean Just As Much

Last week, while at the oil convention with Tim, I was sent on a 'mission' by Tim’s boss to  find a USB stick.  He needed it to give away some ‘free’ software to a potential client.  Finding a USB stick amongst the 100+ vendors who were giving away 'freebies' that day was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. And my feet were getting sore too…

But I dutifully headed off…breathing a little prayer that the Lord would guide me. (It’s still embarrassing for me to walk up to all these business types looking for goodies, however normal it might be…and it is of course.) I don’t really enjoy doing this.
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Tuesday Tea Chat No.34 ~ Practical Ways to Show Love

 

Hi Friends, I hope you are having a lovely day. As I sip my tea, it is raining! (Thank you, Lord!) It's only one of many blessings we've enjoyed this week. Birthdays, Anniversary, guests, and a son soon to be home from the military...frankly it's hard to keep count! :o)

One of the highlights of last week, was having more than one 'lady' for tea several times. There's nothing quite like company for a truly special tea. :o)

In honor of our visitors, I even made scones. (Yipes!--I did eat one very small one.) they were so so good!  Rebekah and I especially enjoy this recipe.  We also had blackberry tea and wedding tea (almond/white jasmine) and plenty of fresh mango and cantaloupe.  Leisurely breakfasts really are the best part of having guests for the weekend. :o)

How about you? What are you having for tea this morning? I do hope you will join us. Feel free to link up right here if you want to share your posts of pretty tea things and delicious treats, or even thoughts on our topic today.

Since yesterday was our 24th anniversary (Wow-time sure does fly when you're having fun!), I thought I'd share photos of our little celebration. Considering that it was squeezed in between so many other events, we didn't do a big to-do though we did go out to Olive Garden which was just perfect. In addition, my secret sister gave us such a DARLING package to help make the day fun. 

 

And we thoroughly enjoyed our 'celebration in a box'....lovely glasses, champagne, and the movie, Julie and Julia. What a great idea for an anniversary gift!  (PS. This is a great movie for bloggers' hubbies to watch with them..Tim laughed a LOT..and it's very romantic too.)

Chatting with a son about relationships and thinking of how much Dear Hubby and I love each other so much in spite of many ups and downs, got me to thinking of the topic of Love. So that's what I'd like to chat with you about today, over tea. :o)

 

Jacob 19, Christian 16, Tim and Donna, Rebekah 20  

(Matthew 25 and Andrew 22 not pictured here)

It's so easy after years of marriage and many of life's events, to get a little careless about showing love to those we rely on the most, our spouses.  Not only that, but today's definition of 'true love' has gotten terribly clouded if you ask me.   As Marianne from Sense and Sensibility asked, "Is love a fancy...or a feeling..or a Farrows?"  That sums up today's take on love, I'm afraid.

What I love best is love as depicted in the recent movie, Fireproof.  I'm sure many of you have either seen the movie, or read the book.  The book is the best part!  Love certainly does include feelings...but for it to last, it has to go a lot further. 

Love that lasts and is genuine...is based on a choice to treat someone in a very specific way and to value that person above all others.  Love is something we experience based on the actions of others towards us or of our actions towards them.  Act loving towards someone, and you will soon feel love for that someone.  It's just the way we humans are wired.  

However, it's a little bit more complicated than that. Love has a lot to do with our motives too. I Corinthians 13 contrasts a love that comes from a sense of duty and shows itself only in 'public acts'...'doing things' for others, versus truly loving that person from the heart. 

Love is patient, kind, gentle, polite, hopeful, and faithful.  When we have this heart for others, we are loving them and then all those things we do, really do spell "L-O-V-E" to those around us. No gal I know wants flowers and dates...from a sense of 'duty' any more than our men want us to love them strictly from a sense of 'duty'.  That kind of love kills. 

 

Love from a sense of duty says, "I choose to 'love' you..but I don't like you."  It makes the giver feel better about themselves while allowing them to feel free of all obligation to truly love the recipient from the heart. This is often the result of bitterness over unmet expectations. The pharisees of the bible were very good at this sort of thing and the Lord didn't like it--at all. We sure don't want to do this to our spouses or our children.

 

So if love is not a duty or a fancy and not primarily a 'feeling'...what does love look like? Our poor guys are constantly scratching their heads trying to figure this one out..while too often we women pine for 'Mr. Knightly" to show up via our dear Mr. Steady hubbies. 

If you are waiting for Hollywood to inspire your hubby, you are probably in for a pretty long wait!

When we were newly married, my young husband often wondered how I spelled love .....and I had a hard time explaining what it was I was longing for...

I have to say, that the Love Dare book really hit it on the head...though really, the bible does explain it pretty simply.  Thank you, Kendricks, for spelling "L-O-V-E" out so beautifully and practically in your book!

Here are  11 (out of 42) challenges they issue us for showing love in a practical sense...

Day 1: Love is Patient Eph.4:2 ~  Resolve to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. It the temptation arises, choose to say nothing at all.

Day 2: Love is Kind Eph.4:32  Do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness. (Greet first, smile first, serve first.)

Day 3: Love is Not Selfish Romans 12:10 Buy your spouse something that says, "I Love You" today.

Day 4: Love is Thoughtful Psalm 139:17-18 Call your spouse to ask them how they are...and if there is anything you can do for them today.

Day 5: Love is not Rude Proverbs 27:14 Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated at you. Do so without attacking them or justifying yourself.  This is from their perspective only.

Day 6: Love is not irritable Proverbs 16:32  Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation.   Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

Day 7: Love believes the best 1 Cor. 13:7  Get two sheets of paper. On the first, write out positive things about your spouse. Then write negative things on the second sheet. Set them aside for a later project. Today, pick ONE thing from your positive list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.

 

Other challenges....

• Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan. Set your heart to focus on their achievements. Take the negative list and discreetly burn it. Share with your spouse about a success he or she recently enjoyed.
• Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse. Do it with a smile and enthusiasm. Determine to change your greeting from now on.
• Do something out of the ordinary today, something that proves that your love is based on your choice and nothing else...wash her car, clean the kitchen, buy his favorite dessert.  Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.
• What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Run an errand, foot massage, housework...Say "I cherish you" in a practical way and do it with a smile.

There are 42 challenges in the book. I can't imagine a marriage NOT being WOW after 42 days of challenges like this! The devotions that go along with each one help you to see how to love from God's perspective and are VERY helpful.

How would you like to add more WOW factor to your marriage?  No, I'm not getting any 'money' for recommending this book (at least so far I never have earned any 'Amazon earnings' Lol!)...I'm just wanting to inspire you to show love to your spouse in a more practical way and this book helps, if you want it. (half.com is cheaper). This month, I plan to read this book with hubby every day as a gift we can give each other. I know he wants to do this, and this takes that pressure off of him to 'figure love out'. :o)

If you are struggling in your marriage, like the guy in the movie, "Fireproof", this could change everything! 

Rarely is trouble in a marriage 'one sided'.  When we give to our spouses, the overflow often comes back in our direction. 

 

Too often, both of the spouses decide to quit giving...and the result is the death of a marriage. Someone has to start the ball rolling again.  Could it be you?  

 

My prayer is that we ALL celebrate our 50th..and more in the next few years. 

Happy Anniversary...to all of us!

(but especially to my Dear Hubby. :o)

Linking with these lovely ladies' Tea Parties..and Sites..

• Kathy’s A Delightsome Life: A Return to Loveliness
  Amy of Tea Girl in a Coffee World
• Tracie at Cottage Flora Thursday
• Raising Homemakers
  Terri's Artful Affirmations 
• Wanda Lee's Teapot And Tea Things Tuesday
  Pam's Teapot and Tea Things Tuesday 
• Lady Katherine's Tea Time Tuesday
• The Plumed Pen's  Tea for Two
• Rose Chintz Tea Time Tuesday
• Martha's Favorite Teacup Tuesday

Tuesday Tea Chat No. 33 ~ Setting Boundaries Graciously

 
Good Morning friends...and Welcome to our 33rd Tuesday Tea Chat.  It's so nice to be back again! I've had a very productive break from blogging but am still working on the taxes. At least I've gotten started which is the hardest part, don't you think?  One set is finished and the other is in progress. I got a little sidetracked by my efforts to get healthy and lose weight by juicing which made it hard to focus on the work I had planned.

But this last week was the perfect time to get 'decaffeinated' and get used to juice fasting. (Picture me laying on the couch feeling very sleepy, nursing a substantial headache, and all the while thinking about the many things I needed to do. Stressful!  ) Somehow, I talked myself into not quitting..LoL!

I do hope you will grab your cup and join us for a little chat over tea.  What are you drinking today?  Please feel free to link up here if you would like to share a tea post or photos of your own.  :o)


Today, I am sipping my Wedding Tea from Harney and Sons. Amy of Tea Girl in a Coffee World mentioned their newest tea a couple of weeks ago and I couldn't wait to try it.

 

It is delicious..no doubt about that!  Just take a look at the ingredients and you will see why: Chinese Mutan White Tea buds, rose petals, cornflowers, marigolds, and coconut and almond oils. The taste is just heavenly! Rich..and almost nutty but with a lot of subtle flavors.

 
It's a perfect tea to savor in the early morning during quiet times.  I'd like to chat with you about a life-changing concept I've learned from a  new book that a friend loaned to me two weeks ago. It's called Boundaries by Dr.Cloud and Townsend.  How I wish I had found it years ago!

For those of us for whom childhood and home life were difficult, this book is incredibly helpful. Sometimes it's just very hard for one parent or another to recognize the 'person-hood' of their children. It's usually because the same thing happened to them. That was certainly the case for me and my siblings.

 

What do I mean by boundaries?  As an example, imagine that your neighbor has a problem respecting people's boundaries. So when he needs a lawn mower, he comes over and takes it right out of your garage...without asking. He is ignoring your 'boundary' which in this case is your property line.

 

An example of people who don't respect boundaries would be... A co-worker who often asks you to bail them out when they have too much work to do.  Friends or family who ask for loans and get upset when you don't give them... People who expect you to do jobs or favors without recompensing you in any way and do so habitually.  Adult children who won't get a job or leave home....inappropriate touching of a child by an adult..... In-laws who pressure adult children to do what they want or else. Guilt trips and manipulation of any kind--all of these examples are covered in the book.

Boundaries of many kinds were simply not allowed for my sisters and I. Naturally, I've always had a very difficult time saying 'No'.   The results for any one in this situation are obvious: over-commitment, enabling others to be selfish, bitterness (at times) , discouragement, low self esteem, and even procrastination.  

 

Have you ever had trouble with this?  If you do, you certainly have my heartfelt sympathy!

It's not that those who overstep others boundaries are 'evil' or intentionally hurtful. They simply don't understand what is appropriate and what isn't.

It's up to us to set boundaries

so others know what is OK with us and what isn't.

I have had the unpleasant task of seeing my parenting through 'new eyes' this last two weeks. How easy it is to overstep the bounds of propriety with children moving from the childhood to adulthood! How hard it is to trust God sometimes with our children--to step back and let them fail--to have faith in them and God when we are looking at their 'human-ness".

I truly wish I could turn the clock back, and do it all over again. I know my kids could hear from God just fine, and I knew it then, but it was hard to back out of the 'mommy-mode' as they got older  and trust them to our Heavenly Father's care.At least I do get a second chance with the three who are still home. I have been doing much better at letting go with them. :o)

The authors remind us.....that we can't control others

but we can control ourselves.

We can remove ourselves from situations, refuse to listen to inappropriate communication, and we can say NO. 

I've found myself on both sides of the fence as I've read this book. I can hardly describe how eye-opening this was.  That was a very humbling thing to discover for sure.  It's sure surprising to realize what was at the root of many a tense moment with Dear Hubby.  Too many times, over the years,  I've found myself expressing my fears or hurt feelings 'through the back door' so to speak with pouting, anger, or a cold shoulder.

But thanks to this book,  and some research, I've learned how to simply communicate those concerns in a kind way without any expectations of change.  Gone are the 'hints of accusation' that I'm occasionally characterized my comments.  I'm so grateful that the Lord answered my prayers about some of the struggles going on in relationships in our home. It's as easy now to communicate kindly, as it was to be unkind.

The new found freedom to say NO when I should is another great discovery and has allowed me to say YES to the right things and get my priorities in order.              

Are we a perfect family? Not even close!  But we love each other, and the Lord..so we want to work through our problems and do so regularly.  This book helped me understand how best to encourage genuine respect and communication amongst all of us. 

The first week, I felt like a child learning how to talk and walk all over again. It was all so foreign to me. I was surprised how much I let even business people take advantage of me. Lack of boundaries or lack of respect for them affects all of your relationships to one degree or another.

The second week, I felt so happy and hopeful as we have all began to understand each other better. Part of me felt selfish saying No, but I'm certain that was not true now.  As the bible says, we each have to bear our own burdens (daily loads), which is different from 'bearing one anothers' burdens (unusually heavy load).

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Eph. 5:21

Clarke's Commentary on the Bible  Submitting - one to another - Let no man be so tenacious of his own will or his opinion in matters indifferent, as to disturb the peace of the Church; in all such matters give way to each other, and let love rule.

The one thing that we are all learning, at our house,  is that, though the Lord wants us to obey those in authority over us and to defer to those under us, everyone deserves respect and a certain 'personal space' and relationship with God as individuals.  Ultimately, we all answer to God first, then to each other.  Leadership does not equal the right to total control nor does submission mean a call to total surrender. It's all about genuine and mutual love and respect for each other. 

I Corinthians 13 4-7 Love is patient and is kind; love doesn't envy. Love doesn't brag, is not proud,  doesn't behave itself inappropriately, doesn't seek its own way, is not easily provoked, takes no account of evil; doesn't rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

 

Our children are as much 'sisters and brothers' in Christ as we are. The older they get..the more we need to allow them to relate to and respond to God for their decisions and to be responsible for their own mistakes.  'Letting Go should be a very natural transition that we as parents need to cooperate with.

By the time our kids have left home to begin their adult lives, they should no longer feel the need to 'answer' to us for anything.  For those who are married, that's what 'leaving and cleaving' is all about. The bible clearly describes the breaking of the parental bonds here.  A new relationship is formed which allows for the liberty of the newly married children to be their own 'heads of the home'.  We, as parents, move into a new season of life...I like to think of it as a chance to give more time to 'spiritual parenting' of the body of Christ..and growing closer over the years as a couple.

When we, as adults or children,  feel that someone is truly going 'beyond' what is appropriate..we need to be able to say so and expect that NO to be respected.

  It's not the defiant NO of a two year old. Our 'Nos'  need to be gracious.  It's easier to teach this to our kids through modeling than anything else.

Well, I've gone on long enough about this topic, I'm sure! :o) If you see yourself in either position..certainly know that neither I nor God is criticizing you for that. (I'm as guilty of this as the next gal.)  The point is that we can LEARN how to treat each other in a way that leaves no one feeling like either a 'door mat' or a 'tyrant'.  

Now that our family is learning how to 'set boundaries graciously', we are more able to communicate our genuine feelings..even negative ones,  in a kinder and more constructive way rather than feeling 'stuck' in a hopeless situation. We are learning to understand how each of us looks at life and to care more for others perspectives and opinions.

If you are feeling like your boundaries are being overrun..or you find people reacting a lot to your 'leadership' or way of 'getting things done'...perhaps this book can help give you a new perspective and some tools for rebuilding proper relationships in your life and the lives of those you love, as much as it is in your power of course. 

We can't and shouldn't try to 'fix' people, but we can remove ourselves from their behavior in a loving, respectful way.

 This gives God a chance to work in their lives..instead of making others feel criticized or rejected by us.

Today, I invite you to join me in a little self-examination here as we share tea together. If we want our families to be healthy and happy,  both emotionally and spiritually,  we will need to be able to set appropriate boundaries and respect those of others.   

Have you ever had trouble with this issue?  Is it difficult for you to say NO? Or is it hard to accept other people's "NOs"?   Let's chat. :o)

Linking with these lovely ladies' Tea Parties..and Sites..

• Kathy’s A Delightsome Life: A Return to Loveliness
  Amy of Tea Girl in a Coffee World
• Tracie at Cottage Flora Thursday
• Raising Homemakers
  Terri's Artful Affirmations 
• Wanda Lee's Teapot And Tea Things Tuesday
  Pam's Teapot and Tea Things Tuesday 
• Lady Katherine's Tea Time Tuesday
• The Plumed Pen's  Tea for Two
• Rose Chintz Tea Time Tuesday
• Martha's Favorite Teacup Tuesday

Photo Credit: All the nature photos were taken by my son, Christian. The rest were mine.

Tuesday Tea No. 32- How Fear and Worry Hold Us Back

 

Last night was spent having a family night with the children, and this morning, I’m getting ready to go to a home school coop meeting, so I won’t be home today. But I didn’t want to leave you without a ‘Tuesday Tea’.  So I’m using some former tea pictures and sharing an excerpt from a devotional I wrote on my music blog, Songs of Home.

If you would like to link up...here's the tool. I'll be joining everyone this afternoon when I get home. :o)

I don’t think I got a chance to share these thoughts and hope they will be a blessing to you today.  I’d like to talk about a real challenging topic for most women (including myself at times)…WORRY. 

I don’t know if you ever get overly worried, but I’ve decided to quit worrying about things..and start doing something about them. 

 

Even my post yesterday about the Six Things List applies. Many of the things on the list have been worrying me for a long time. How much better if I had started DOING something about them rather than worrying. 

Yesterday, I went to see the people at my father’s bank. I’m the executor for his estate and have been putting off doing his taxes for some time now. Why? Because I was worried that I had made a huge mistake. I closed the account in Dec. and could no longer access it.  I needed to be able to print out the year’s statements so I could do the taxes. 

But Wells Fargo took over Dad’s ban k. There was now no bank, and as far as I knew, no records. I’ve worried and worried over this. It had become HUGE in my mind.  I thought maybe I made such a big mistake that it couldn’t be remedied and we would be charged tons of taxes..or worse. 

Thanks to my Six Things List..I decided to ‘face the lion’ of unconfronted errors in handling the estate and go ask them. Either I had blown it or I hadn’t. But sitting and putting off the day of reckoning would accomplish nothing and only make things worse. 

While running errands, I took my Dad’s folder with all his papers and walked in and told the banker what had happened. It took about an hour of phone calls to the former bank..and she was able to retrieve the records. Now I have a stack of papers about the size of three thick magazines. All the statements for a year..are on my desk.  The worry is over..the fear is gone..and now I can be responsible..and do what needs to be done.  

Why ever did I wait so long? Why was I so worried? I don’t know. All that needless misery is gone..vanished in one afternoon! 

My daughter likes to say this quote when I’m bemoaning my overweight ‘state’, “The remedy is in your hands, Mom.”  So true. So very true. Every day, instead of worrying, I can just not eat what I shouldn’t. I can do what I should in every area of life. 

Worry can make life quite miserable! Here is the excerpt about worry from my devotions last January…

This morning,  I was having devotions in my car while waiting for a child to get off of work. While I sat there, I decided to read my devotional, “Keeping a Quiet Heart.”  I read several chapters before I came across the one about the uselessness of worry. 

 Matthew 6:27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Or one inch to his stature?

Elisabeth Elliott was saying that worrying about anything is not only unscriptural…but useless.  We can’t DO anything about the past except to make restitution..  

We can’t do anything about possible future problems either…like a child going astray, a child getting hurt or killed. In other words, I shouldn’t get all grieved and in knots over ‘future’ crisis that have not even occurred yet or past events that are already said and done.  All I have any control over at all is today..now…

What I had forgotten,  until the Lord reminded me of it , is that the past and the future are both HIS province..not mine.  I can’t turn back the clock..nor can I stop the problems that may occur in the future. Things have gone wrong and will go wrong..bad will happen..just as good things will. 

But the future is beyond  my control. If I grieve over future possible bad events..all I’ve done is grieve twice…once now when the bad thing hasn’t happened and again when it does..if it does.  What a waste!

Worrying keeps me from doing anything to repair the past or prevent future problems by freezing me in my tracks. It almost becomes a form of self-pity.  

If I’m so busy mentally wallowing in my failures  and my fear of future failures..what I’m really doing is making the whole situation worse by my own inaction.  Worry and fear stop us cold in our tracks.

It is God’s job to worry about both the past and the future. All He asks of us is to leave those two areas in his hands and simply trust Him..that he is handling those things… 

I’ve seen enough miracles in my own life and the life of my kids to know he is CAPABLE. Our family ‘hall of fame’ is lined with miraculous ways in which God has provided for us and it  should be more than enough to convince me.  Instead, like a child, I must simply pray, trust, and obey.  

I can’t undo past wrongs..and I can’t guarantee I will do the right things tomorrow…but I can OBEY TODAY…right now.  

• Today.. I can stop eating when I’m full..and not eat that sweet or fatty food. 
• Today…I can exercise or go for a walk.
• Today, I can choose NOT to react to my child’s ‘supposed’ bad attitude…and look beyond..and attempt to understand the underlying causes of the bad attitude rather than throw a guilt trip on them for being upset and saying so.
• Today I can be loving and gracious to my kids…and respectful and affectionate to my husband.  Today….I can spend time with the Lord.
• Today, I can pray about the things outside of my control and ask the Lord to intervene.
  
    

Prayerless living is proof of foolish self-reliance and doomed to failure.

Yes, I need to acknowledge that I’ve failed…I’m overweight, I’ve hurt my children at times..and even my husband however unintentionally. I’ve spent too much money. I haven’t been diligent enough with various responsibilities. I’ve procrastinated too many times and my projects have piled up..and I’m behind. Yes, I know I’ve failed. But….

  I can make restitution where I’m able.. Only TODAY can I do anything to repair past mistakes or  make tomorrow better.   

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Are you caught up in the past..or worrying about the future? Now is the time to change that.

If we will do what we know is right TODAY…then the future will take care of itself. If we sit and worry or wallow in self-pity…we only dig the pit a little deeper…entrench the bad habits further…and we don’t get to live in the joy and peace of God’s love, His meticulous care, and his grace covering all of our sins. 

Worry is easy and natural and requires no effort on our part.  Obedience is hard work..but it is not too hard….We can do this.

If we get so focused on our fear of future or growing problems, we will not be free to focus on the solutions to our present difficulties. 

"This command I am giving you today is not too difficult for you to understand, and it is not beyond your reach. Deuteronomy 30:11

Prayer, Faith, and Obedience are the best solution to worry.  Are you worried about something today? Has fear or worry blocked you from making progress in your life?

Linking with these lovely ladies' Tea Parties..and Sites..
Cindy's My Romantic Home

• Tracie at Cottage Flora Thursday
• Raising Homemakers
  Terri's Artful Affirmations
• Lady Katherine's Tea Time Tuesday
• The Plumed Pen's  Tea for Two
• Rose Chintz Tea Time Tuesday
• Martha's Favorite Teacup Tuesday
  Wanda Lee's Teapot And Tea Things Tuesday
  Pam's Teapot and Tea Things Tuesday
• Kathy’s A Delightsome Life: A Return to Loveliness
  Amy of Tea Girl in a Coffee World

Note: The teas are from Shannon Mucha, a friend, and the cup and placemat were from my friend Peggy Woody. Tim gave me the yellow rose.  :o)